I’m picky. It’s true. I like things to be a certain way. For example. Right now: I want to do a budget. And I want to use the Envelope Method. And I want to be able to see the envelope amounts on the phone. I want it to automatically sync. AND I want the file to be on a shared program so that both RA’s and my laptops pull the file and sync to each of our phones so we’re both up to date from the last sync.

Quicken and MS Money sucks for this. Budget from Snowmint is probably the best Envelope Method software. But Budget doesn’t export to Excel, and it doesn’t export the envelope amounts. Jerks!

Ideally, I’d like the to be able to auto sync with the bank and auto-assign expenditures to certain categories. Budget doesn’t do those things either. I can deal with that, but I still want it to sync or at least export what I want to the phone! ARGH!!!

EVEN MORE ideally, I want all of the above and be able to sync over the air so that each of our phones are up to date all the time. If RA buys something somewhere and pulls out of a certain envelope, I can be 100 miles away and when I check my envelope 5 minutes later, it reflects the updated amount.

MORE IDEALLY STILL, the bank would auto download the transaction to the computer which would in turn auto-assign to appropriate envelopes and send updates to the phone with the new envelope amount information.

But I like to think I’m a reasonable man! I REALLY REALLY want to do all that stuff. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time or resources to learn to develop a PC program for that, get the bank to allow auto downloads for it, develop something for the phone, get them to understand each other and set up the phones / computers to remote sync.

So instead, I think what I’ll do is this: I’ll simply learn how to write code for Windows Mobile and make a envelope budget program and set that up to sync the file to my laptop which will in turn sync over the network to RA’s sync fold and then to her phone. It sounds a lot easier when I think of it this way.

Then maybe I’ll sell the program (trust me, none exist currently) for like $5 – $10 each and make our fortune. Then I won’t even need it! Tada!

Sinatra re-did a Christmas song once called “I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day.” While not as well known as classics like Bing’s “White Christmas” or Andy Williams’ “Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” it’s a good song nontheless.

The song’s lyrics are pulled from a poem, “Christmas Bells,” written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. It wasn’t a poem written out of inspiration, but one written after a most difficult time in his life.

Here’s the brief history behind it: In the summer of 1861, Henry’s wife, Fannie, cut one of their children’s hair and decided to keep some of the locks in an envelope. Some of the sealing wax caught her dress on fire and before long, she was fully engulfed in flames. Henry attempted to put the fire out and received severe burns himself. Fannie died the next day. Henry was so sick from his own injuries that wasn’t able to attend the funeral. If she meant to him anything like my wife means to me, I imagine it would’ve been utterly devastating.

That Christmas, he wrote in his journal “How inexpressibly sad are all holidays.” Even a year after it happened, still in grief, Henry wrote “I can make no record of these days. Better leave them wrapped in silence. Perhaps someday God will give me peace.” The following Christmas in 1962 seemed to be no better, as he wrote then “A merry Christmas’ say the children, but that is no more for me.” Almost a year after that, Henry’s son was critically injured with a spinal injury. I don’t know what happened to him. That Christmas, Henry wrote nothing in his journal.

It wasn’t until the next Christmas, in 1864, when Henry wrote “Christmas Bells.” The part of the poem that stands out most to me are the last two stanzas:

And in despair I bowed my head;
“There is no peace on earth,” I said;
“For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men!”
Christmas time is a lonely or generally difficult time for a lot of people. Longfellow here definitely had a few very difficult years where Christmas was certainly not a very good time. I imagine there were more difficult Christmases for him after he wrote “Christmas Bells.” I don’t know what happened for him after 1964, but I found it encouraging that he came to realize – at least for one Christmas – that he wasn’t alone and that in the end everything will be okay.

I know there are a lot of people this year who are not really looking forward to Christmas. Not because they’re grumpy or they’re Scrooges or grouches that don’t want to “get into the Christmas spirit.” Instead, maybe their circumstances are such that its difficult to be happy during Christmas. Or… who knows? And there always seems to be this pressure to be jolly and happy and every good Christmas thing.

I guess my feeling is this: Its okay to be sad during Christmas. Its okay if circumstances make it to where its hard to get into the Christmas spirit. But in the end, I hope that if nothing else, folks realize just that… its not just okay, but that it’ll BE okay. Just remember that: God is not dead; nor does he sleep! The wrong shall fail and the right prevail with peace on earth and good-will to men.

Of course, the reason we celebrate with gifts is because of the greatest Gift that God gave to us. Even if there are no presents under the tree – or no tree at all – the Greatest Gift died on a tree so we don’t have to. To receive this gift, we don’t have to “feel” it; we just have to know it.

That’s good enough for me.

And just in case anyone wonders, its okay to be happy too!

Merry Christmas

There’s a part in the Narnia series I think about sometimes. I always find it encouraging, but especially when things are difficult. From The Magician’s Nephew, it the part just after Aslan creates everything. Digory is a kid who’s mother back home is sick and dying. And of course, Aslan is Narnia’s representation of Christ:

But when he had said “Yes”, he thought of his Mother, and he thought of the great hopes he had had, and how they were all dying away, and a lump came in his throat and tears in his eyes, and he blurted out:

“But please, please – won’t you – can’t you give me something that will cure Mother?” Up till then he had been looking at the Lion’s great feet and the huge claws on them; now in his despair, he looked up at it’s face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lions eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory’s own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.

“My son, my son,” said Aslan, “I know. Grief is great. Only you and I know that in this land yet. Let us be good to one another.”

I always love C.S. Lewis’ work. Genius. It might sound pathetic, but I honestly find it difficult not to cry whenever I read this part.

It reminds of a couple things. First, I remember that when things are difficult and even when the worst seems inevitable… I’m not alone. Not only is He is there with me; but He understand the struggle even more than I do, and feels it along with me.

The second it reminds of is that we don’t always get the answers or solutions we’re looking for. Or sometimes not right away. After this bit, Aslan encourages Digory with a Lion’s kiss, and sends him on a task that takes most of the rest of the book to complete. That whole time, Digory never got the answer he was looking for; he didn’t have an answer at all. But he did what he was asked to do. Personally, I find it difficult to do. Just blindly going forward not knowing what will happen or how to do what’s asked? But Digory… he carried on. At that point, all he had was Aslan’s encouragement. Digory just knew he had to do it. And he did.

To me, the two things go hand in hand. God is always with us and knows what we deal with better than we do. But he also wants us to trust Him. The encouragement is welcome. The trusting.. I know I don’t have it. I’m working on it. I’m trying.

I don’t think I’ve posted anything for a while. I guess I haven’t really felt up to it.
 
But yesterday, I thought of something I thought I’d write down. We got this couch and chair set off of craigslist yesterday. I drove up to Vancouver to get it. It was raining and super dark on the way up, and the GPS directed me along narrow back roads and up Hwy 213. So yeah, it was a little unsettling winding around in an unfamiliar huge truck when I couldn’t see and the roads were poorly painted at best. When I got there, the couch and chair were fine and the guy helped me load them into the truck. I stopped at the store to get some more tie downs for the tarp (couldn’t find the ones we already have) and they didn’t have any. So I ended up with rope. And when I got to securing the tarp, of course it went from raining to completely pouring. Despite my coat, I got completely soaked. I wasn’t feeling too well already, and getting cold and all wet probably didn’t help that. It was like 8:30 – 9pm by then and I hadn’t eaten, so that wasn’t so wonderful either.
 
But here’s the thing: during that, I kept thinking “who cares?” Not “who cares” in the sense that I felt so pitiful that I had given up on caring. I thought “who cares” in the sense that it could be much worse. I’ve read a little in Ecclesiastes lately, so that might have something to do with it. But at the time, I was thinking about the people who sold us the couch. They seemed nice enough. Regular people; just living their lives. Husband and wife, a son and daughter who’s ages were about the same as our kids. The lady said they were selling a bunch of their stuff because they were moving into a smaller place. And the reason they were moving was because they couldn’t afford their house anymore. Apparently, their son has some sort of brain disorder and they’ve been sinking a lot of money into doctor bills. And it’s gotten to the point where they can’t afford their place anymore. At one point while the guy and I were taking the couch out, I could hear the daughter in the other room asking the lady about their new place. She replied that she and her brother would be sharing a room. And when I bought the couch and chair and gave her the money for it, the lady immediately went to one of her kids to tell them to get ready because they were going to go out to get groceries. I got the feeling that they weren’t able to go until just then.

I know that there are a lot of people who milk the sympathy thing for all it’s worth. I’ve seen in way too many times. I don’t think that was the case here. They were making some hard decisions. They both had jobs and were trying to do the best they could. So fast forward to when I was getting soaked… I didn’t care. I was grateful that soaked was all I was getting. And I remembered I have much to be thankful for.

Let’s be honest here. It’s not easy. Things are difficult for us. And we’re not rich (far from it). …But it could be worse. I have a beautiful wife who is simply amazing in so many ways. The kids love me. I have family and friends who care about me. I have a job. I have two jobs! We all have our health. And even if that was in question, we have insurance. We can eat. If I were to be honest with myself, I could go on all day like this. Maybe I should. But above all things, I have salvation. If it all falls apart now, I won’t care a single bit a thousand years from now.

Sometimes I feel down, I’ll admit. But I realize that I often have the wrong perspective and attitude. I pray that God will help me to gain and maintain the right perspective. His perspective. I’m working on it. I’m praying about it. It’s hard to see the good things when the bad things hog all the attention. I’m not perfect. Who is? I’m trying to do the best I can.

I think when it comes time to watch White Christmas this year, I’m going to keep it on and, after the kids go to bed, I should replay the “Count Your Blessings” song a few hundred times. I like Bing anyway.

At the risk of sounding cheesey, I just wanted to take a sec and say that I love my family. And I’m fortunate to have them.

 

My oldest, Grant, has the biggest heart. I mean, he really does. We had Elijah, Micah and Lizard last night. Unfortunately, as what seems common for them, they had not had dinner. (I don’t want to go into it, but basically Elijah still regularly tells us that meals get skipped.) Yesterday, I assumed that they had already eaten when I picked them up, because the court order said that needs to be the case and it’s generally been happening, etc, but apparently not last night. So Elijah was crying because he was hungry and when he saw the others getting food, he thought he wasn’t going to eat. Well, Grant saw that, and he offered Elijah his own food. I think he would’ve offered him all of his food. I didn’t know he did that until later, but still. That’s character. I’m proud of that kid.

 

And last night, as well as last Sunday night, Rachel-Anne took the time to really work with Micah to try to take bites of food other than chicken nuggets or bread or whatever. You know, real food. Eating the right kinds of food is so essential to good development. And there are so many cases where autistic kids show dramatic improvement once they get the right kinds of foods, or thre’s this special diet. Back to Sunday, it took forever and Micah resisted for a long time and it was generally disgusting, but in the end he took a couple bites! He was so happy with himself and he was totally happy with Rachel-Anne. Then last night, she sat with him again to try for a few bites. He didn’t want to at first, but he totally did after just a couple minutes. This time, he was so excited. He went downstairs after he ate. I also went down there after a bit, and talked to him for a bit. He was all teeth – all smiles! And kept saying “Rachel-Anne (blah blah blah) back! Rachel-Anne (blabity blabity) back!!” I’m not sure what that all meant, but I could tell he was so happy with her and proud of himself again. It was so nice to see, and I felt greatful for her with having the patience to stick with him. She has more patience that I do for this kind of thing. The results were so rewarding, and it’s the first steps to getting him to eat real food that would be so good for him. I’m lucky to have her.

 

Yeah, things aren’t perfect. Things are stressful and frustrating sometimes. People get upset or upset others. The fruits of my kids’ mom’s inept and slack parenting is producing results and my three cause trouble… But today, I’m thankful for the good things. The things I mentioned are just two of a lot of examples. All the kids all love each other. Whenever I come home from work, I feel like a celebrity because any number of children always come running and are excited to see me. I’m married to a beautiful, intelligent and loving wife about whom I could go on about for forever. I get along with her family and she gets along with mine. Sometimes when I’m upset and trying not to be, I find myself saying “it could be worse.” It certainly could be. It definitely used to be.  10 – 15 years ago, I never anticipated life being the way it is now. But, as imperfect as it is, I wouldn’t trade it. And while on one hand, it “could be worse,” on the other, it’s not half bad the way it is.

Craigslist prank costs man thousands of dollars

I found this so disturbing. We use craigslist all the time. Buy stuff, sell stuff, whatever. It’s great, and I love it. 

But whenever there’s stuff for free, it’s a whole different game. Whenever we’ve posted stuff on the “for free” list, or on freecycle… the mindset of the people who respond to it is completely different. For the most part, just about all the craigslisters we’ve met have been very nice people. The ones who hunt the free postings, though, are different. I know: not all of them, but MOST of them definitely. And the gall is incredible on some of them. They come off like they’re entitled to stuff. Reading that article only solidified my feelings on this. And I’ve totally seen it myself. He referred to them as vultures, and for the most part, they totally are! 

For example, we put up our old treadmill for free the other day. I got so many emails with folks wanting me to hold it, or saying when they could pick it up. I posted the ad late, and I said that if it wasn’t picked up that night, I’d put it away for the night and bring it out the next day and I’d update or email when I did. I had someone knocking on my door, getting me out of bed, early the next morning wanting it. And one woman that emailed the night before, swore at me in a 2nd email the next day when she saw the posting had been removed. What the heck! So you didn’t get something that was free! Where’s the loss?

Also, when we moved last year, we put stuff on the front porch and said on a couple craigslist / freecycle posting that people could just come get it. We heard people rummaging around on the front porch literally after midnight. Incredible! 

I recognize the mindset. It’s the same as most of the clients I had when I used to work doing Food Stamps and all that. It’s sad really. I mean, I’m all for helping people or giving stuff away when you don’t need it, but there is this mindset among some in our society where they expect it and even demand it. Honestly, I think it’s related to those give away programs like Food Stamps. You keep giving stuff to people and don’t hold them or even encourage them to be responsible, and this is the result. It spills into other aspects in society.

Sad and pathetic… that’s me.

I haven’t exercised really since I started working at the smoke shop. That was when… July? Before that, I would go at 8, after I’d get out from work. But for some reason, I struggled to go after getting out from the shop around 9:30. Then I suspended the gym membership, figuring I’d bring it back after the busies slowed down a bit. Now with the shop closed, I haven’t “un-suspended” it with the thought that I’m not sure where I’ll get a new 2nd.

So I jumped on the treadmill today in an effort to get a restart. Oh man…

So yeah. Sad and pathetic.

Afraid to see what’ll happens when I find some weights to throw around…

I have to say that I, Dan Rapoza, have the purchased most bestest hoodie evah! Got it last Sunday. Check this out: it’s made by Ecko, and it has faux fur all up in there inside it. In the hood, in the body, and…. in the SLEEVES. Oh yes, that’s right. In the sleeves. I mean, think about it. When it’s cold out and you put on a hoodie or a jacket or whatever, there’s just a little bit of insulation in the sleeves. So when you put it on, your arms are still cold. What’s the deal with that? So with my new hoodie, I’ve got soft, warm fur and all my whole self is warm right away. So there.

And related to that, I have to add that I have yet another reminder as to why married the best, most wonderful woman evah! The hoodie was a bit more than I felt comfortable spending on myself. AND, the only place that had my size was in Portland. So what did she say? “Why don’t we go just up there and get it?” So we did. Hauled all the kids in the car and she had less time to do homework and all the whole thing. All so we could get my hoodie. And it was her idea. Yeah, that’s right. She’s the best.

I’m still learning about Grace. From something in Pastor Steve’s message yesterday, a thought occured to me: with all the things that my kids’ mom and her family has done and continues to do to me and the kids… I wonder if God is allowing it all in order to help me learn grace? I mean, I think I’ve had a good head knowledge of grace for some time, but I haven’t had (and still don’t have) that working, personal understanding of what it is that only comes from having practiced it or giving it to others.

I’ll admit I’m not ready. In my logical style of thinking, I can’t grasp why they continue to do what they do. Sometimes, I’m tempted to call over thre and say something, “Why are you all doing this? You know it hurts me. And if you don’t care about that, you KNOW it hurts the kids and doesn’t do right by them.” But I know it’d be a waste of time. That’s been the case every time I’ve tried. As a result, I’m still struggling with the anger and bitterness and all that. But it was encouraging to me when Steve said at the end that when we learn and grow in things, it doesn’t necessarily happen overnight. He was talking about boldness, but I think it applies to anything. You don’t just arrive, or “level up” when it comes to your walk. Some things come slowly – or painfully even - but there can still be growth. Randy said something like that the other day too. And I think it’s consistent with the way God works in general. I think of it in the same vein as Romans 5:8 where it says Christ died for us while we were still in our sins. He meets us where we’re at, and brings us along from there.

I look forward to when I’m able to forgive easier. I look forward to when I have a greater understanding for God’s grace to us. To me.

Somewhat unrelated: another thing I thought after church was that I want to write a song. Too bad I’m not very good at it! But there’s the part in the Narnia series, in The Magician’s Nephew when Digory is upset and crying because he’s worried about his mom back home who was sick and dying. Lewis writes,

“Up till then he had been looking at the Lion’s great front feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion’s eyes. They were such big, bright tears compaed with Digory’s own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.
“My son, my son,” said Alan. “I know…”

When I read that recently, and every time I’ve thought of it since, I’ve felt like Digory. Scrawnly little kid Digory who had still so much to learn. Anyway, I wish there was a song that goes through that. Maybe I can write it. Maybe I’ll even be able to play it.

I really dig the song Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns. I remember when I first listened to the words. I was struggling with some stuff, and it really hit home for me.

Often, when I like a song, I’ll look up the chords and play it on the guitar. It’s fun. Well, a few weeks ago, I listening to this one on the radio and thought “I should learn to play that.” Later that day, I emailed myself a link that had the chords for it. But when I was listening to it, I thought it’d sound cool on the piano, so I sent another link to myself that had stuff for piano.

Here’s the thing: I don’t know how to play piano. I mean, I can bang around on it and figure stuff out a little. I supposed one would consider that playing “by ear?” In all reality, I don’t know how to read piano music, I don’t know what notes the keys are, etc. I don’t know and I’m find with that.

But tonight…. I played the song a little on guitar. It was fun. Then I sat in front of the piano and – reading chords like I would playing guitar – I played it! I know there are a lot of musicians out there that would roll their eyes at that, but I was pretty happy about it! I’d never done it before. Never even thought of it before. And here I was totally playing it. After a bit, I realized I wasn’t even looking at the music. Yay! So yeah, that was fun. And yeah, it helps that I like the song quite a bit.